Next Dream
Dec. 2023
I stare out the window of my childhood town’s library into the end of a winter’s day as an old me appears in my mind like a dream. Tripping over himself, a short, freckled boy says hello. He’s checking up on me again. He has so many questions to ask. He’s excited to hear my answers.
He would forgive me for everything I’m not proud of. The response is gentle and certain. How can he do that? I don’t know. Perhaps it’s the underlying ‘me’: the most core piece of me that has traveled through this lifetime. Through years pass and memories forgotten, it still exists, as certain as it’s ever been. That’s who I laugh with in moments of joy.
I blink and another me appears in sight, the 26 year old Jon of today, sitting by the little boy’s side. They both smile in my direction. A new character has been added to the gallery of me. His questions are much more complex, yet he waits for the answer with the same excitement. Another optimist. What will I be able to tell him in 10 years? What is it that I’ll find?
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Feb. 11, 2024
In a personal favorite manga, Chainsaw Man, the main character’s central drive is his simple dream: To live with food, shelter, safety, and a life of his own to live. Years later, he finds himself having realized that very dream, yet he experiences indescribable feelings of uncertainty. Isn’t this what he wanted? Has he not achieved his dream? At a pivotal moment, where a choice must be made by him of which direction to go, an old friend of his appears in a vision and says this: “Our dream came true. Okay, Denji. What will you dream of next?” At first, he doesn’t even understand how to register the question, but in realizing that the future was for him to walk toward untethered by the experiences of his past self, he made a decision based on who he is today and where he wishes to go next from the bottom of his heart.
Now, I’m no half human half devil manga protagonist, but this sequence struck a chord with me. The dream of that small, freckled boy was to make it past 18, to discover what a life of his own could be, if it’s even possible, to find friends and maybe even love, to live on despite his endless fear. What’s beyond the TV static that existed in my mind as a child?
I turned 27 yesterday surrounded by friends and family I cherish, and can say with certainty that I’ve realized the dream of that past self, the Jon of many, many years ago. I remember him so clearly, and he visits my thoughts in moments like this. Nothing’s perfect, of course, but my dream was never perfection. My dream was to live on, and I did. Now this tiny, innocent and young Jon is asking the me of today “Our dream came true. Okay, Jon. What will you dream of next?” The baton to move forward has been handed off to the me of today, giving rest to the efforts of the me’s that brought me to this moment of acknowledgment. They can finally sleep. It’s up to me now, with all the accumulated experiences, sorrows, loves, connections, achievements, interests, and pains, to make the decision to dream once more. What will the me of today dream of that the me of the past could have never even imagined? The new resident of the gallery of me is patiently awaiting that answer.
How large of a world it is! I no longer have the tunnel vision of my youth, my view of life has expanded so greatly. There’s so much to learn, witness, and feel. That also terrifies me, and has caught me in a rut for the past year. Am I even cut out to move forward with the same strength as my past? I don’t have a new dream yet, aside from getting a corgi, of course. How can I move forward so arbitrarily? Won’t I lose speed and give up once more? I’ve struggled with this fear and anxiety, unsure of my ability to decide my direction for myself, to have the bravery to dream again. I’ve felt so tired, so lacking, directionless and scared.
Life is vast and long, I understand that now. The old me could have never comprehended that, he was just trying to make it past 18. He’s leaving it up to me to handle things and my reaction over the past year has been to sulk and procrastinate. I must first forgive myself for that as he would, relaxing my ‘all or nothing’ attitude, as I know now just how unsustainable that is. I must dream to discover the me of the future, realized through increment over saturation of improvement. Who will I be when I’m 36? Not just who I am to others, who am I to myself? What does the life I cultivate in solitude look like? What drives me forward? What am I reaching toward? What gets me out of bed in the morning? What does life mean to me?
I seek to find these answers yet maintain the humility to understand I can’t force it through sheer will and effort. It will take time. I must take the baton forward, wherever that direction may be, and experience that path for myself. I must be brave. I must recognize that I’m not alone, that I’m running this race with a community of friends and family by my side who I can lean on and trust. I must remember that this is the adventure of a lifetime.
It’s my turn now. I will make both the me of the past and the me the present proud of the me of the future. I look forward to 26 year old Jon popping into my future mind with his own set of questions one day many years from now. Until then, I will run the baton forward with everything I have! This is for you.
Optimistically,
Jon
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Cover Art: https://unsplash.com/photos/a-stuffed-animal-is-laying-on-a-bed-xKZ3s8gWLGA?utm_content=creditShareLink&utm_medium=referral&utm_source=unsplash
