The Nerve
“America’s next drag superstar has Charisma, Uniqueness, Nerve, and Talent.”
Charisma, check, right? Uniqueness, I’d say so! Talent, got it. Nerve? Now that’s a great question.
After completing this rigorous self-evaluation exercise in December ‘23, the focus of 2024 was identified. It would be a year of nerve. Now, what does that even mean? Merriam-Webster wise, you would define it as “power of endurance or control, boldness, and fortitude.” From another perspective, you could understand the idea through the iconic drag performer Tayce’s list of synonyms when describing her competitor’s actions: “The cheek, the nerve, the audacity, the gall, and the GUMPTION.”
Personally, I thought of it as the intentional application of boldness and courage into all facets of my daily life. Looking back, some of my proudest accomplishments credit themselves to my choice to have the nerve to act, to risk, to try, to love. While I can recognize my ability to have and demonstrate nerve, I noticed that it had only been applied truly in these macro-moments, but what about the smaller, micro-ones? This was what I sought out for my 2024. I was going to have The Nerve.
I knew just where to begin: my dating life, obviously! I began January 2024 with 4 “crushes”, as in people I’d known over the past few months or even years who had piqued my curiosity in one way or another, apart from just a surface level attraction. This was my ideal journey for finding a partner: meeting them in the real world, growing to like them beyond immediate gratification, and having the bravery to voice how I’m feeling to them. For these people specifically, it was my lack of nerve to date that had prevented me from making my attempt to bridge the gap from crush to deeper connection, it was time to change that.
I met The Pianist more than 3 years ago while he was playing at The Duplex Piano Bar in the West Village, my personal favorite spot. His night consists of playing piano covers of any song you could think of, live! He is an incredibly talented performer. I’ve frequented the bar for years to sing Alicia Keys and Amy Winehouse while leaned up against his piano, of course I was going to develop a crush! After a friend pushed me to stay true to my intention of having The Nerve, I decided to act. One night in January, I slid a napkin onto the piano, as people usually do when requesting songs, and subsequently bolted the hell out of that building. The note said: “In case you ever want to chat more, minus the piano.” and included my phone number beneath instead of the expected song request.
WOW! What a rush! I really did that, and boy let me tell you, it felt amazing. I felt alive! I awaited his response in anticipation, receiving an incredibly kind DM the next day thanking me for the note and letting me know he was happily married, but that he hopes I keep jamming out with him at Duplex nonetheless. While in some sense I was “rejected”, it didn’t feel that way at all to me. I actually felt seen, respected, and even proud of myself! It also spoke volumes to The Pianist’s character, and why I was a fan of his in the first place: he’s a good guy. Regardless of having a crush on him or not, that didn’t change my desire to hang out with him as a friend! I still frequent his piano nights, singing alongside him as I always did, now with an even deeper friendship.
Frequenting the Phoenix gay bar in East Village on Wednesday nights, I began to meet the regulars in the neighborhood who do the same. Wednesday night karaoke with Corma is an intimate event, never uncomfortably crowded, and provides a perfect opportunity to develop connections with fellow LGBTQ+ people in the surrounding community. This is where I got to know The Local, a born and raised New Yorker. I always thought he was cute, intelligent, and we got along swimmingly: joking around, cheering each other on as we sang karaoke with the drag queen, and smoking skinny cigarettes together outside. My crush developed over a year or so, and I finally decided to simply ask him what his thoughts were there. His answer was to keep it platonic, and sure that may sting in the moment, but that was the answer and that’s alright! Frankly, it enabled me to relax any lingering stress I may have had about the “what if’s”.
Since then, our friendship has only gotten stronger! I still see him practically every Wednesday, inviting even more of our friends into the fold of our community. We’ve caught Broadway shows together and adventured outside of just the Phoenix to share our singing and vibes with new venues. Through my nerve to bring it up to him, we were able to align on our thinking, allowing our friendship to flourish, for which I’m truly grateful.
“What is something you would do if you weren’t afraid?” The Colleague asks me this while sitting in my living room, sipping on the espresso martini I just made for him. I know people have their thoughts about dating coworkers, but at a company as large as mine, I think that can be relaxed a little bit, since none of us really work together day to day. Granted, that’s not my first avenue to meet a crush, as I personally enjoy the professionalism barrier that makes it easier to talk to new queer people without any other agendas. This one, however, seemed to take quite an interest in me. He and I had known each other for a while and developed a positive rapport, with him inviting himself over to mine to help decorate my apartment, asking me to dinner over email, coming to my birthday party, and even going to the Moleskine store with me during lunch at work (aka my dream date!!).
On this particular night, I was determined to walk away with an answer, regardless of what it would be. This was my opportunity to have The Nerve. I look back at him and respond to his question with: “If I wasn’t scared… I’d ask you out.” and proceeded to provide a bit of context as to why I thought this. We spent the next 30 or so minutes discussing this topic, understanding each other’s perspectives with honesty. His answer may have been an “it’s not you, it’s me”, but I was still able to obtain an answer and act as an adult in the face of it. It was through this conversation that we got closure on this aspect of our relationship to date. My feelings had been communicated directly to his face, and I noticed something: my directness didn’t place me in a position of weakness, it made me feel strong. I recognized the power I had all along, always there for me to access, but so often I am fearful to. The rejection, of sorts, may have been frustrating, but that’s how the cookie crumbles! He wasn’t in a place for this, and I have to respect that, so I played Water Under the Bridge by Adele, made us another cocktail, and got over it. I walked away proud of the bold adult I was becoming.
There’s this coffee shop / wine & cocktail bar / bookstore I’ve been frequenting for almost 5 years now. It’s where my book club is held every month, it’s where I’ve met some of my closest friends, and it’s where I’ve explored literature of mine and other’s choosing that have continuously grown my understanding of the vast amounts of perspectives that exist in this world. The Poet began working there a year or so ago, but we formally met at the bar’s Halloween Party back in 2023. We really seemed to hit it off, and my crush began from there. Over a half year of flirting both on and off the job, I had received all the green flags I needed to confirm some level of mutual interest, so it was time to have The Nerve. One night after our book club group went to another bar, he joined us and I smoothly asked for his number under the guise of wanting a contact just in case I had any questions before a poetry event he invited me to, which he happily obliged. I was elated. This was exactly the result I had been working toward.
This one was going to be a hit, I knew it. I sent him a text the next day asking him out for a drink, which received a reply summed up as “that sounds fun, but this isn’t a good time for me.” You should have seen the look on my face when I read that text. I stomped my foot on the ground as hard as I could to vent out my anger, then put on a smile and went back to running the professional event I was helping to host. I walked outside with my friends afterward, lit up a green Capri, and screamed into an empty 52nd Street. My frustration was overwhelming. That was the last crush I had, the one that was the essentially 95% confirmed, and it resulted in nothing. It bears mentioning that The Poet and I are on perfectly good terms, I still see him quite often and am excited whenever I have the chance to talk books and joke around with him. It’s not his fault he’s where he’s at, and it’s not a dig at me whatsoever that my advance went nowhere.
Along this journey, I was receiving such praise from my friends and peers: “Wow Jon, that’s so impressive that you’re going out and being so brave! I could never do that.” Sure, I appreciate the validation of doing the “right” or “bold” thing, but what was that getting me aside from an occasional warm fuzzy? Yes, I was also putting myself out there more, less afraid to flirt with new people while out and about, but I wasn’t getting the results I had desired, at least I had thought so. I felt run down, doing my best to avoid deepening any sense of insecurity I may contain, but that proved difficult.
After another round of self-reflection, I realized something: in my quest to apply The Nerve to my own life, I had focused it into only one facet of my life. It was a selective application of a broad intention. I was getting so caught up in The Nerve’s use in my dating life, that I was ignoring its utility and purpose I had recognized in other aspects of my life back in December ‘23.
I found myself at Phoenix again on a Wednesday, drinking and laughing with my pals (even The Local!). I wasn’t feeling my best, still down about my perceived “losses” in my application of The Nerve. I’m sitting outside telling the drag queen host Corma all about this story, laughing at her lively responses to my anecdotes. I always feel my best when spending time with drag performers. I looked at her for quite some time, and felt The Nerve show its face to me once more, but what for? I decided to be bold one more time, even when I thought I had none left, and asked her to be my drag mother, something I’ve wanted since I was a senior in high school. She started crying out of happiness and said “Of course, I’d love to be your drag mom.” and gave me the biggest hug in the world.
After 4 “No’s”, I finally received the “Yes” I’d been looking for, and I only had the bravery to ask this question because of The Nerve it took to be vulnerable with my 4 crushes earlier that year. I call Corma “Mother” now, and it’s made me so incredibly happy to begin my journey toward becoming a drag performer with her at my side.
This got me thinking about how to channel this more into my own life. What does it truly mean to have The Nerve? On a macro and micro scale and in every individual, that quality will present itself differently, but I believe the feeling on the other side of acting on it is something we have in common. There are crossroad decisions we can make, even at a small scale like a crush, where that muscle can be flexed. The key is to do it the way you would do it, not by anyone else’s program. Each of my efforts to act on The Nerve were of my design. There’s a joy in making a brave decision after listening to your heart and carrying it through authentically. Of course, lean on your friends for counsel and support, but remember that you’re the final choice here, and this journey, including all its bravery and memories, is yours to own, regret, take pride in, and live.
What more beautiful path is there to look on than that of your own creation?
Here’s to the year of The Nerve.
Optimistically,
Jon
