Naked Reflections

It was an hour before I turned 24, and I stood naked in the mirror. Historically, the period before my birthday is the harshest time of the year for my mentality. In those first 10 days of February, it’s like a high tide of negative emotions and memories make its yearly appearance. It is this unavoidable yearly occurrence that brings with it a unique sadness. I guess I’m just not a huge fan of my own birthday. However, for some reason, on this night, I found myself happier than all birthday’s past.

I had decided that taking a shower before bed would be the fresh start I needed for my 24th year. Looking back, I was just trying to find something to take my mind off of the upcoming age increase. I lit myself a few candles and started blasting some emotional music. I remember looking at myself through the mirror above the sink, at my own naked body. It is the rawest form of myself, possibly even my most vulnerable state. However, my mind decided to look differently at it this time. My thoughts began to picture this exact scene throughout my life. How many different times and places have I seen myself like this? I suddenly began to see myself in the mirror from so many different memories at the same time. 

I remember staring in this same bathroom mirror a year and a half ago when I moved to New York, when I was filled with the excitement of independence and adventure. I think back to my old college apartment in Virginia, the bathroom mirror in which I spent hours figuring out what I’m going to do once I leave the bubble of school. I recall the mirror in my high school’s locker room, where my fear and insecurities of the time rushed me to get changed and escape. Then, my mind went way back. I see my childhood house’s bathroom in Massachusetts, the mirror I got to know myself in. This was the mirror that showed me who I was and what I looked like throughout the years. It was the only thing that appeared to truly see me when I couldn’t even see myself as a child. It accepted me for what I was, naked body and all. It never cared about the things I’d point out in its reflection that brought me insecurity. It presented me fairly. I remember asking it the questions that tortured me throughout my younger years, with one in particular: “What’ll happen to me if I really am gay?” All of the hopes and dreams that I’ve poured into these bathroom mirrors my entire life were made clear to me once again.

I began having this conversation with my own reflection in a way I never had before. I broke years of silence in front of it. I spoke to my “only self.” In one of my older pieces, “Our Only Self”, I touched on this concept. Our only self could be seen as the consciousness we’ve had since day 1, the part that only we as individuals can see, because you’ve been with it the longest - your whole life. You will always have that original self, regardless of the changes and growth it has experienced. On this night, I wanted to check in with mine before I celebrated making it through 24 years.

I pictured a much younger version of myself looking back at me through the mirror. As a young adult now, I have all these ‘real’ problems to suddenly concern myself with. Whether it’s a career to advance, a social circle to expand, knowledge to build, money to make, places to go, or a relationship to find, it’s a lot to deal with. That’s just how it is. We’re all working for something, improving, making changes, and just getting through another day of being alive. 

With all of that in mind, I have a notoriously bad case of productivity guilt. I feel like I always need to be intensely working on a bunch of things at the same time or I’ll inevitably “lose” at life. In moments I lack the required motivation or discipline, I harshly criticize myself for it. But tonight, seeing myself in this mirror, I put myself into the shoes of Jonathan Hack when he was 10. A 10 year old Jonathan Hack looked in the mirror, just now figuring out that his attraction to boys wasn’t going anywhere. All this 10 year old Jon saw was a future that looked and sounded like TV static. He felt so lost. I began to recall each desire I would have given anything for in that time of my life, as 10 year old Jonathan Hack. What was it back then that this version of myself looked in the mirror and desired? Did I find any of it? 

I remember hoping for someone to sit with in simple friendship. I prayed to find people who would support me even if they knew my deepest secret, my shame. I craved the day I became financially independent to have complete control over how to live my life. I wanted to hold onto my family even as I prepared to complicate everything by confessing my truth years later. I pictured living somewhere far away from that little town I grew up in. It would be a new slice of the world to call my home. I would no longer be known as “Ben, Becky and Anna’s little brother” to everyone I met. I could be myself, whatever that ended up being. I had desired such simple things: Acceptance, love, support, and independence. I looked at myself and exclaimed: “Oh my god, I found everything that kid wanted.”

To bring my mirror conversation to a climax, I found the moment I finally accepted my lifelong companion. One of my earliest specific memories in my younger years is my homosexuality, my “hormone monster” for fans of Big Mouth. It had stood beside me when I was alone in all of these past mirrors for as long as I can remember. What was once seen as a curse consuming my life became an optimistic pride that I would have never guessed I’d discover in life when I was my 10 year old self. Every fear, doubt or insecurity that came with accepting it all those years ago would be transformed completely by the kindness, support, and love I would be gifted from the wonderful people I’ve met in my life. Approaching 24 years old, I stood naked in the mirror, incredibly happy to have the thing that I once would have given anything to be rid of.

With these thoughts, my soul is flooded with the utmost gratitude for everything in my life. It is simple gratitude for each thing I’ve been gifted with, worked for, failed in and succeeded in. I have a laundry list of gratitudes for the people, places, and events I’ve come to know as a part of my own history. I moved forward from those sadder days. I know, without a doubt, that I made my younger self proud. I have kind and strong friends who support me, challenge me, and will even read my blog where I write about random stuff like this. I love my family and have worked so hard on those relationships, regardless of the road bumps. I’m living in a fantastic city that’s gifted me passion, opportunity, and style. I’m supporting myself. I’m falling in love with new passions. I was reminded to take a step back and remember who I was. I once wanted those things more than anything in the world, and I had taken it all for granted once I found it. I stood in total content as these memories flowed into my heart. How strange is it that the happiest I’ve ever been on my birthday came from talking to myself in the mirror? 

I’ve been so caught up in having to figure everything out right now. I had nothing figured out back then, but then I remember the sheer volume of things I’ve figured out and accomplished that I never thought I would have at that time. Now I’m even better equipped to handle tougher challenges, and understand that it’s okay to not have everything done immediately. I don’t need to have all the answers today, I just need to step forward, to find the next foothold in the mountain of life. What else can that say about the power of remembering who you are and where you come from? What does this say about your old desires that were covered up with newer, shiner ones over the years, when time told you there were suddenly more important things to prioritize. Maybe this is something we should all give a try. Is authentically speaking with our reflection in the bathroom mirror a significant introspection discovery?? 

The question to ask yourself is: What did your younger self once desire more than anything in the world all those years ago? In my optimistic opinion, you’ll be utterly shocked at your progress. Look how far you’ve come! Hopefully your younger self reminds you how amazing you are, and how proud they are of you. Life is a wonderful journey, and each step within it deserves its moment, so give it that!

Optimistically,
Jon