1 Journal, 2 Years & 40 Books
May 2021
Totally worth it. That was the first thought that crossed my mind as I flipped through my 4.5”/7” Moleskine book journal, filled end to end with written notes from every single book I’ve read over the last two years. I could flip through these pages for hours. Today was the day I archived my work, and I won’t lie, I got very emotional. 40 books in total, and I have a lot to show for it. What began as a journal meant for a single book became a treasured personal project that’s provided peace, fulfillment, and lots of joy to my life. It all started with a book on gay shame called The Velvet Rage, which I’m sure many will remember me mentioning at least once in the past. The idea was simple: I obviously had a lot to learn from a book on gay shame as a gay man, so it’s probably best to take some notes while I read. I absolutely despise writing in books themselves (total anxiety), but love journals, so there was the idea! It was June 2019 when I wrote down the title of that first book on page 1 while I sat on the back deck of my childhood forest home, and I never would have thought it would become something like this. In the present, I love it so much that if my apartment was on fire and I could only take a few things, this black and white journal with the fabric chevron cover would be the first thing I grab. What began as a personal project based on a need became one of my most treasured pieces of life, and I want to tell you how it became that for me, and how you have the power to find that same feeling in any personal project you set your mind to.
Throughout my life, books were always something my teachers or parents told me I HAD to read, which the Aquarius in me would subsequently reject. It felt like reading was this big task that’s only purpose was for me to pass a test or write an essay on it. I can’t lie, I skimmed and spark-noted the majority of books I had to read throughout school (don’t even front, I know most of y’all probably did the same exact thing. It had to be said!!) However, something changed in my perception of reading two years ago. After college graduation, I realized that I had the power to choose my own books that covered subjects I genuinely wanted/desperately needed to learn more about. To start, I knew I had anxiety and shame issues from being a gay man, and turns out there was a book for that! The decision to buy that first book changed my life. Books became precious to me. My now endless reading list is my space alone to learn about exactly what I want. They became my solace. Something that was once a pain point in my life turned into a welcome addition. It became a hobby rather than an assignment, and it made me so very happy. This journal became the embodiment of that happiness.
Beaches, coffee shops, apartments, fire escapes, trains, planes, bars, parks, this journal has seen them all. It’s been there with me through ups and downs with a consistently positive presence in my life. It became a companion for me in all my physical travels and literary adventures. Wherever I could take a book, the journal came with. Like cheese to wine, it was the perfect complement. They were instant soulmates. I’m at a point now where reading without the journal feels plain unnatural. Does that make me a journal snob? Regardless, I feel more secure when I have the journal with me.
I picture my 9am intro to business lecture back at Virginia Tech, and all I hear is keyboard clicking. I would be surrounded by 200+ students, all taking notes on their laptops. I was always the kid taking notes by hand. Sure, I’d fall behind or miss certain notes because it took a bit longer to write something than type it, but my practice never changed. I wanted it to be on paper, and if I couldn’t write it down I’d just read the book and pick up what I missed. There was always something I enjoyed about keeping it physical, the realness behind the writing. Simply the act of learning something and writing it down by hand always solidified the lessons for me. Now, I’m not saying it got me A’s in every class, but I at least enjoyed the process! Essentially, I’ve just always preferred writing things by hand, and that naturally transferred into this journal and all its complexities. You flip to one page and see my best handwriting, when I was sitting at a desk, then onto the next and you can tell I was most likely on a train due to the quotes in chicken scratch. My penmanship, in and of itself, communicated its own personality on top of the content it communicates. With handwriting, there was added meaning inherently contained within the words. No Times New Roman in this journal!
If anyone chose to flip through my book journal, they would learn a lot about me. I’m endlessly fascinated by the accuracy of the conclusions one would draw after seeing the books and quotes I chose to record. If I can’t explain the way I think, maybe a combination of words from a bunch of authors could help. Maybe I could even understand myself better looking back through it all (the answer is absolutely!). In Malcolm Gladwell’s book, Blink, he explores this topic. He references a study of college students, where a student, let’s call him Frank, would fill out a questionnaire to assign certain scores for various personality attributes (such as ‘openness to new experiences’) to themselves. Those scores were then measured against two groups of fellow students: a group of Frank’s close friends, and a group of people who didn’t know Frank, but were given 20 minutes to look around his dorm room. These groups would then fill out the same questionnaire for Frank to see which group would be closer to Frank's self-given scores. While not definitive, it was found that in most categories, the group that didn’t know Frank personally who only had access to his dorm room were more accurate in their assigning of scores when compared to Frank’s own friends. To spring off of that, my book journal could be seen as a room of its own: a library filled with specifically chosen books that perhaps, to a stranger’s eye, would give them a “closer to true” idea of my personality than even my friends. While it may not be a fact, I think it’s fascinating, and I find a true pleasure in diving into that library time and time again, gaining a new insight into my own mind and beliefs each and every time.
This journal has become a piece of my own identity, this external object that’s absorbed my thoughts, stressors, passion, joy and love. Opening up to a current page further and further into the journal as the years passed never ceased to bring me excitement. I wanted to get to the end, I was motivated to do it. It made me want to keep reading, I never lost the joy in the process. It was mine and mine alone. It was mine to reference, write on, talk about, and proudly show. As a sentimental person, I normally receive something from someone, or find something that reminds me of something very specific, and the meaning is inherently tied to that thing. In this case, this journal, one of my most cherished and sentimental items, was something I worked on alone for years. It was something I attached depth and meaning to. It wasn’t tied to anyone else, it was sentimental because it was a uniquely written expression of myself. Once the final page in the journal was filled in and closed, it became a tangible piece of my history, a project completed, one that I’ll be proud of forever.
Last October, I was staying with Mia and her parents at their house down in the Outer Banks. This was around the time I began this blog, and was eager for any feedback around my work thus far. My book journal was something I took with me everywhere. It serves as evidence of my conviction and a constant source of inspiration for my blog. One morning, I was sitting at the kitchen peninsula, drinking my usual 11am coffee and reading my book with the journal at my side. Soon enough, Mia’s parents, Joe and Leanne, found me and struck up a conversation. Not gonna lie, I was so excited to tell them about what I’m working on and hear their thoughts. I walked them through my journal, detailing the books I’ve read and insights I’ve gained thus far. I took them through authors that sparked joy in me, lessons that found their way into my life, and endless quotes I can reference at all times. Joe asked to look at it himself, flipped through the pages, and handed it back to me with a smile. What he said is something I’ll never forget, “I hope you understand the value of what you have in front of you. You’ve done the work already, and now you get to use it for everything.” I had never even thought about it like that before. I put a lot of time and work into this, and it was absolutely paying off. The journal was worthless (aside from production costs) at first, yet it was nurtured and grew beautifully over time, much like Mia’s many plants whose growth she takes endless pride in. What had just been an added benefit to having the journal: quotes ready to use in any of my writing and communications, became one of my greatest reasons for keeping and maintaining a book journal. To see the thing I’d been with for over a year seen through someone else’s eyes gave me invaluable perspective and feedback. I was truly happy to have this journal.
Mindfulness expert Jon Kabat Zinn once said, “Patience is a form of wisdom. It demonstrates that we understand and accept the fact that sometimes things must unfold in their own time.” In and of itself, this journal required a lot of patience. I mean, isn’t the whole idea behind a journal to fill it out? Noone buys a journal to use 1 page of it, right? Technically, the tangible “worth” of this journal comes when it’s completed, filled with notes and quotes from the numerous books that found their way into its pages. But what about getting there? Why does noone talk about the journey? As I began this journal, I realized I had a long way to go before reaching the end, and there were no shortcuts. The books I was reading were meant to be read with care, as each was intentional and meaningful to me. Quantity took a backseat to quality, so I took my time. Why not combine reading with my mindfulness practice? I already love writing by hand, so let’s make it a formal practice of living in the present. When my pen hits paper, I put my entire focus into the words I’m writing, allowing the thoughts and ideas to flow through my mind on the river of consciousness. I follow them with my pen in peaceful, fluid motions. I thoroughly enjoy the time I spend doing this simple action. I always have, and now I’ve created a situation/environment for it to be appreciated by myself and myself alone. Each time I open the journal I’m reminded of these moments. I’m reminded of joy, intrigue, passion and excitement, which all make me want to dive back in. I flip through all 240 pages and feel each pass through my fingers, thin as paper yet containing contents deeper than a 3am drunk heart to heart. It’ll never get old, and I want everyone to know what that feels like.
The final quote in my journal was the author’s afterword in Casey McQuiston’s book Red, White and Royal Blue. “To every person in search of somewhere to belong who happened to pick up this book, I hope you found a place in here, even if just for a few pages. You are loved. I wrote this for you.” That is why I do this.
In the present day, as I’ve been filling the pages of my brand new journal over the past few months, it feels as if I’ve departed on an entirely new adventure. I’m creating a new library, and hope to fill it with as much love and depth as the first. At the end of the day, it’s a long term personal project. As with all long term plans or commitments, they can bring a fair amount of stress and anxiety into our headspace, especially at the starting line. However, it’s by moving forward, step by step, inch by inch, that the meaning and fulfillment begin to enter the project. It’s a practice of patience, something I believe we should all remind ourselves to have once in a while. This can be said for many projects, may it be a fitness goal, financial/investment goal, a business, or even just navigating your career. In my eyes, there’s power in the acceptance and willingness to take on a long term project, whatever it may be, and follow it through to the end. In this case, a book journal was a pretty reasonable one to have, it doesn’t require me to do anything crazy and I can take my time with it, yet it still presented those same byproducts of satisfaction by simply committing to the journey. Now that it’s been almost 3 years of doing it consistently, it’s become more of a habit that I’ll always do than a long term personal project, which has now created space in my life to find and pursue my next one (c’mon 6 pack abs!). This journal originated from a desire to work on an aspect of myself I felt was lacking with an understanding that it’s not an overnight fix. With that said, I pose the question: Is there anything in your own life that you feel the same about? How are you pursuing it? Are you giving it the patience and attention it truly needs? My hope is that everyone can have their own personal project they can chat about with passion behind their words, the kind that comes from true ownership and joy.
1 journal, 2 years and 41 books later, I open this new notebook a better person. I really mean it when i say these journals are one of the first things I’m grabbing if my apartment is burning down. As I place the first installment of my lifetime book quote journal collection into its frame, I find myself with a mix of emotions. It’s the feeling at the end of an adventure, where you reach that finish line you always pictured and realize a new adventure is waiting for you to begin. There’s reminiscence, sentimentality, pride, and hope at this turning point. This journal has become a part of my story, my identity, and I’m so happy that it has. It’s funny, even reading this back to myself months later I still completely feel the same about this piece of my work and life, if not moreso. I had no clue that this project would become something so dear to me, so treasured. I think that’s what makes it so special, the surprise in it all. I thought it would be one thing, and it became so much more than that. Now, this journal is simply a microcosm in the world of long term personal projects, but it encapsulates a common lesson: with passion and commitment to the journey, any personal project you take on can become an adventure that will bring success, joy, and pride that will fulfill you in unexpected ways.
To conclude, please see below for 20 of my favorite quotes [because 10 was too hard] from the infamous journal itself… enjoy!
“Accept reality on reality’s terms. When life doesn’t turn out the way you want, stop insisting that it not be so.”
Alan Downs, The Velvet Rage
“The ultimate form of intrinsic motivation is when a habit becomes part of your identity.”
James Clear, Atomic Habits
“[In Epicurus’ opinion] Living a simple life full of friends and philosophical discussion was the highest attainable pleasure.”
Paul Kleinman, Philosophy 101
“Life stories with themes of ruin can trap us. Life stories that are triumphant can transform us.”
Meg Jay, The Defining Decade
“We need to accept that the search to understand a stranger has real limits. The thing we want to know/learn about a stranger is fragile. We will never know the whole truth, we have to be satisfied with something short of that.”
Malcolm Gladwell, Talking to Strangers
“Vulnerability sounds like truth and feels like courage. Truth and courage aren’t always comfortable, but they are never weaknesses.”
Brene Brown, Daring Greatly
“Mindfulness is a lifetime’s journey along a path that ultimately leads nowhere, only to who you are.”
Jon Kabat-Zinn, Full Catastrophe Living
“The one thing that doesn’t abide by majority rule is a person’s conscience.”
Harper Lee, To Kill a Mockingbird
“The grand essentials to happiness in life are something to do, something to love, and something to hope for.”
Hector Garcia and Frances Mirailes, Ikigai
“Learning to tolerate discomfort in the service of healthy change is one of the most difficult things any of us has to do [but it’s endlessly worth it].”
Susan Forward, Emotional Blackmail
“Love takes off the masks that we fear we cannot live without, and know we cannot live within.”
James Baldwin, excerpt from Matthew Todd’s Straight Jacket
“Go into a conversation with the intention to listen for the most part. Observe what they talk about. Observe within yourself the urge to say something (probably self related), and then only say it when it’s not better left unsaid.”
Jonas Salzgeber, The Little Book of Stoicism
“I’ve learned to savor life much more by only hearing what’s going on in their hearts and not getting caught up with the stuff in their heads.”
Marshall Rosenberg, Nonviolent Communication
“When you compete against everyone else, noone wants to help you. But when you compete against yourself, everyone wants to help you.”
Simon Sinek, Start with Why
“It’s always easy to declare that other people are idiots, but only if you forget how idiotically difficult being human is.”
Frederick Backman, Anxious People
“Acceptance is not about giving up or giving in. It’s about surrendering to the truth pof what is happening next and then playing an active role in deciding what happens next.”
Beth Kempton, Wabi Sabi
“Success is a function of persistence and doggedness and the willingness to work hard for 22 minutes to make sense of something that most people would give up on after 30 seconds.”
Malcolm Gladwell, Outliers
“Maktub. Intuition is really a sudden immersion of the soul into the universal current of life, where the histories of all people are connected, and we are able to know everything, because it’s all written there.”
Paulo Coelho, The Alchemist
[This quote is coming from an AI robot’s conclusion of what makes human love special] “Mr. Capaldi believed there was nothing special inside Josie that couldn’t be continued. He was wrong. He was searching in the wrong place. There was something very special, but it wasn’t inside Josie. It was inside those who loved her.”
Kazuo Ishiguro, Klara and the Sun
“And maybe, if you don’t know what you want, you just do something anyway, and everything will change, and then maybe that will reveal what you really want. So do something.”
Torrey Peters, Detransition Baby
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